WE SPOKE WITH OUR EYES

Mashmauiot Dindin Aviv & Yael Naim (Israel / France)
dir. Jonathan Vardi

***

Dindin Aviv

Yael Naim

***

when i was 18, i toured through france on my way to turkey from the uk. in paris, i caught eye contact with a young woman who spoke a language that was neither french or anything i could discern. she spoke no french or english. she was the prettiest young lady with the sweetest smile i’ve ever seen…that summer…in france. she bit her lip and talked with her eyebrows.

i noticed her and she noticed me. we were outside a pub where my friends and i were hanging out with austrian students having their drink on. she kept looking and i kept looking back. i wasn’t sure if she was thinking, “what an odd looking monkey…” or “wow, bonobo action tonight!” there was only one way to find out…walk up to her. after all, i had nothing to lose but pride.

she made a ‘ah! he’s walking over here’ face as i approached her. she walked up to me and away from her friends. we both soon learned that we didn’t have a common language…so i held her hand and we both talked to each other in different tongues, all the while smiling and talking with our eyes and fingertips. after a few minutes, her friends came up. one of them spoke limited english but i was able to figure out that they came from tel aviv.

they had to leave so i told her friend to tell her that she has the most beautiful smile i’ve ever seen, all the while holding her hand. she giggled, blushed, then reached over and kissed me. first on one cheek, then the other. but, instead of pulling away, she stayed there, then kissed me on the lips really fast. i remember her walking away and turning around twice to wave.

i’ve been infatuated with tel aviv girls since.

WHY IS THE BEDROOM SO COLD

Love Will Tear Us Apart Susanna Wallumrød (Norway)

When the routine bites hard
And ambitions are low
And the resentment rides high
But emotions wont grow
And were changing our ways,
Taking different roads
Then love, love will tear us apart again

Why is the bedroom so cold
Turned away on your side?
Is my timing that flawed,
Our respect run so dry?
Yet theres still this appeal
That weve kept through our lives
Love, love will tear us apart again

Do you cry out in your sleep
All my failings expose?
Get a taste in my mouth
As desperation takes hold
Is it something so good
Just cant function no more?
When love, love will tear us apart again

***

i broke my futon frame two weeks ago. the years of withstanding rugged and rodeo sex on it from yesteryears did help in its final demise but it’s a shame that it wasn’t due to that when it fell apart finally. in fact, there hadn’t been much bucking on it lately. the only pussy keeping me warm is my pretty kitty, who keep throwing up on my drum machines and records. but that’s ok. she loves me.

last saturday, i called up an old buddy just to say ‘wassuper.’ i was making my calling rounds for the film and his name just happen to be next to someone i needed to call. i decided to ring him and we got to chat. i missed the guy. he invited me over to his wifey’s bday bash that night. i think he was hesitant at first. lots of the same old friends were coming, but everyone’s paired up…except for me.

i headed over and had a blast hangin’ with all of them. they’re all smartsy peeps…but they were all paired up. eventhough i was having fun eating and drinking and smoking fat spliffs, i was sorta bummed. valentine’s is coming soon. that holiday sucks if you don’t have one.

but, i do have one. we just can’t be together. that really sucks. still, xoxo’s out to her…

***

today, i was wearing the red socks i stole from orla of bristol, england. she’s the bartender chick that took me home when i was touring out there several years back. my memories of her are fucking awesome! or is it, awesome fucking! whichever. she had donnie darko posters and listened to felix da housecat. she looked like the singer pink and molly ringwald in pretty in pink. i had pink in my mind the whole day.

we only meant to ’snog’ but we ended up ’shaggin’.’ neither of us expected it. it just happened. we knew we would never see each other again. luckily, she was safe and ready to be safe. we had fun fucking and giggling all night. ironically, i remember our one time in more detail than the many times with other girls.

i wanted to see her again before i left the uk. she ignored my calls. she wrote me later that she didn’t want to be my whore. i understood. i wrote her back one more time but that was the last time we ever contacted each other. i googled her once and she went on to do installation art. i wear her socks whenever i feel like a rolling stone.

***

Jah Division

WE MIGHT HAVE TO SAY GOODBYE

Something Is Lost Piana (Japan)
(English translation)

rain showers color the town blue
we swim in the light
our tiny goodbye echoed

we might have to say goodbye
what are we starting to forget
we might have to be apart
we might not meet again

we might have to say goodbye
midnight sun in the sky
we might have to be apart
what are we starting to loose

***

we joked about it…how we aren’t attracted to each other anymore. that we act like we’re cousins instead and we both went ‘ew!’ we laughed. but, deep down, we both felt it was true. we argue endlessly and we don’t even know why. we just do. everything that comes out of our mouth is always met with anticipated resistance. we insult each other. we criticize every little thing that we do and do not. we’ve aged apart. we know it. and it makes us both sad.

when i was hurt, you acted like you didn’t care. you made fun of me. when you got hurt, i acted like i didn’t notice. i made fun of something else and left the room. it was hard to do…but since you did it, i made myself do it too. eventhough, deep down, i thought, ‘oh no.’

i’ve been papa overtime just so you could make that megamillion yen deal. you knew i needed my eye medicine but you were ‘too tired’ to come over. my eyes turn red and i can’t see…but you somehow get mad at me when i mention it.

you scream at me when i don’t do something as simple as to clear the table of all my computer junk before you serve the little king dinosaur chicken or his favorite ’skabeti wif meatballs.’ but, when it’s my turn to feed him pepperoni and sausage pizza and your fabric samples and order forms are all over the table, you throw a fit when i tell you to clear the table. you throw a hissy and point out all my faults. i ignore you and you get more mad.

when we finally do hang out, it’s only because of the little king. you find the pair of vans in the mall, the one supposedly only available online, and you get all happy. something comes over me and i buy it for you because i know it would make you happy. instead, you give me a sad face. we laugh and walk closely together for the evening.

we finally found time to be together, but you decide to stay on the phone and laugh with your friends. i can understand, i don’t speak japanese. i put the little king to bed and fall asleep next to him.

in the middle of the night, you went to sleep but forgot to turn off your light. i snuck in for a minute and you were sound asleep. i stared at your face. you looked so young, like the way you did when we first met. no angry eyebrows, no showing teeth. you looked so pretty, like the day we met. you were sound asleep. i turned off your lights.

i fell asleep writing about you. i heard you walk in and cover me with a blanket. i was awake but pretended to sleep. you shut my computer and sat there for a while. you moved my hair and touched my lips and my chin. you kissed me and said something. i didn’t understand it. it was japanese.

***

‘daisuki. mada daisuki.’

YOU WISH YOU WERE YOUNG

Pressures Apartment (UK)

***

***

i’m not as young, limber, and fast as i used to be. sore ribs, broken toe, aching hip socket, and an infected eye all within the last week. some people are asking me why i’m putting myself through such beating. full contact karate is not good for your physical health! oh, for sure. but it doesn’t break my will. just my toe.

ok, i’ll rest. but as soon as i’ve recovered, i’m getting back in the ring.

***

ku’s birthday is tomorrow! jan 25! 7 years ago today, his mom broke water and we rushed her to SFGH where she went into labor for over 10 hours. we arrived in the afternoon and ku eventually entered the light at the end of the tunnel the morning after. during the early morning hours, the nurse suggested i lay down and take a nap. i did. but, she never forgave me for that. so, papas-to-be, don’t fall asleep during labor. not a good idea.

around 5am, she started to push. at first, we wanted a natural birth free of drugs, but the pain was so intense we threw that idea out at the onset. the medical team there were great. when he finally came out, the doctor held him up by his feet, spanked him, and he started to cry. he handed him to his mom and handed me the scissors to cut the umbilical cord, the symbolic act of taking sole responsibility for his life. i was surprised at how tough that thing was. it looks like it would cut real easy but it was sort of ‘chewy’ in a way. no, we didn’t eat the afterbirth…

i was so surprised to meet him. he was/is the most beautiful thing i’ve ever seen. after the labor, i was told that his mom needs to rest and for all of us to go home. both grandmas were there and they stayed to tend to her. i went home to gather more things to stay at the hospital two more nights. when i got home, that’s when it hit me. i fell on my knees and began to weep.

i was ecstatic with joy and overwhelmed with fear. feelings from issues about my own father deep in my spine all rose up in a rush and burst out as tears. at that moment, i promised to be a better dad. i prayed. i don’t know to whom or what but i sat there and soaked it all up. in one instance, everything seemed to have lit up and a rush of great relief and tremendous courage jolted through me. i stood up, yelled out a big ‘yawp,’ and danced my way back to the hospital.

my original idea for his name was ‘Mayon,’ after the great big volcano of my grandma’s hometown in the Bicol province of southern Luzon, Philippine Islands. but, my mom was against it. she said that the volcano is a symbol of fear and terrible rage for her. i thought, ‘that’s cool!’ but when i finally held my newborn again, he didn’t seem like Mayon.

he was crying and crying when i first held him. i tried bouncing him around and talking to him but it wasn’t until i started singing ‘venus as a boy’ by bjork that he suddenly stopped. i hummed and hummed and he seemed to recognize my voice. after all, i sang to him through her stomach the whole time he was growing in there. that’s how he got his first name, AWIT KU, which means ‘my song’ in my mother’s native tongue.

happy birthday, KU! i love you very very much!

BUT I WANNA TOUCH AND I WANNA KISS

Stripper Soho Dolls (UK)

Well ana you’re late
And maya, i’m here.
The boys in the band,
Decide to appear.
We walk through the door
Savour the air.
The girls on the floor,
I’ve come here to stare.
We’ve come here to stare.

Yeah

Dont touch the girls,
Dont kiss the girls,
I have the right to pull the girls.
Get in a fight,
On every night,
The scratches, the bruises and the bites.
But i wanna touch,
And i wanna kiss,
And if you say no then i will persist,
With you tonight,
You’ll make it right.
You know that you’re wetting my appetite.

You can call me x,
You can call me y,
You can call me z,
You can come and try.
Come and try.

Dont know what you think you’re doing to me,
(Hey! Stripper, Hey! Stripper)
Dont know what you see its getting to me,
(Hey! Stripper, Hey! I wanna be your mister)
Na na, Na na, Na na, Na na, Na
Na na, Na na, Na na, Na na, Na
Na na, Na na, Na na, Na na, Na
Na na, Na na, Na na, Na na, Na

Like you’re perfume,
Your skin is smooth.
The way you move,
Im in the mood.
Tease the crowd,
Please the crowd,
I’m boiling i want you to see me now.
You get me girl,
When you’re nervous well,
And when your hand is in the thong.
You may be right,
I close them tight,
You’re saving the best for me tonight.

You can call me x,
You can call me y,
You can call me z,
You can come and try.
Come and try.

Dont know what you think you’re doing to me,
(Hey! Stripper, Hey! Stripper)
Dont know what you see its getting to me,
(Hey! Stripper, Hey! I wanna be your mister)
Na na, Na na, Na na, Na na, Na
Na na, Na na, Na na, Na na, Na
Na na, Na na, Na na, Na na, Na
Na na, Na na, Na na, Na na, Na

I’ve come to stare,
I’ve come to stare,
You like me to stare?
I like your underwear.

I’ve come to stare,
I’ve come to stare,
You like me to stare?
I am a voyeur.

Dont know what you think you’re doing to me,
(Hey! Stripper, Hey! Stripper)
Dont know what you see its getting to me,
(Hey! Stripper, Hey! I wanna be your mister)
Na na, Na na, Na na, Na na, Na
Na na, Na na, Na na, Na na, Na
Na na, Na na, Na na, Na na, Na
Na na, Na na, Na na, Na na, Na

***

gawd i’ve been feeling so _____ lately! i’m craving ___ almost every minute. i can’t stop thinking about _______ with you and how you like it real _____. i keep remembering how you kept begging for me to ____ you real ____ and how ___ you get when i did. you are so _____! i love how you _____ so _____, and your ______ is so _____! you make me feel so ___! argh! when are we gonna ____ again?

***

more electro…more sex…more music gear…more film shoots…more on…more bid…more awder…more al.

***

i like strippers. i like bananas. i like strippers with bananas. bananas peel. strippers strip. banana split. strippers spread. banana bread. strippers tease. i go bananas. bananas please. bananas cheap. lap dance treat. i need a mistress. you need a mister. kiss me kiss me…wait…what’s that blister?

***

friday night?

***

thank you for writing me back. i’ve truly missed you and i know you believe me when i say that my heart swells just thinking of you. you are my inspiration, my endeared friend, my secret love. even if we can’t be together the way i wish we should be, i’d still want you to know that i’ve never felt for anyone else the same way since that day we met.

to my forever valentine…

***

xoxo

PUSH IT IN AND PULL IT BACK

Yeah Yeah Bodyrox feat. Luciana (UK)

You think you got it all worked out
But you dont know nothin’, nothin’, NOTHIN’
You think that you COULD rub me out
But I’m made of somethin’, somethin’, SOMETHIN’

CHORUS

I COULD teach you a thing or two
Yeah oh Yeah oh
I COULD teach you a thing or two
Yeah oh Yeah oh
I COULD teach you a thing or two
Yeah oh Yeah oh
I COULD teach you a thing or two

RAW dirty pop track
Push it in and pull it back
Am I glamour pussing it
See if you can top that
Come into the new wave
Bodyrocker a new wave
More then just a new craze
I’ll show you who’s rock’n'roll

Rock your body x4 (backgorund singer)

CHORUS

Yeah oh Yeah oh x4

CHORUS

***

can’t get sex out of my mind. electro…and sex. music gear…and sex. the movie i’m making…and all the sex in and behind it.

***

testosterone level rising. must fight tonite.

BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR

World Five For Fighting

Got a package full of wishes
A time machine, a magic wand
A globe made out of gold
No instructions or commandments,
Laws of gravity or indecisions to uphold
Printed on the box I see ‘Acme’s Build a World to Be’
Take a chance, grab a piece
Help me to believe it

What kind of world do you want
Think anything
Let’s start at the start
Build a masterpiece
Be careful what you wish for
History starts now

Should there be people or peoples
Money, funny pedestals
For fools who never pay
Raise your army, choose your steeple
Don’t be shy, the satellites can look the other way
Lose the earthquakes, keep the faults
Fill the oceans without the salt
But every man, on his own
Hey, can you dig it baby?

What kind of world do you want
Think anything
Let’s start at the start
Build a masterpiece
Be careful what you wish for
History starts now

Sunlight’s on the bridge
Sunlight’s on the way
Tomorrow’s calling
There’s more to this than love

What kind of world do you want
(x3)
Think anything
Build a masterpiece
History starts now
Starts now
Be careful what you wish for

Start now
Now…

***

last night, in front of The Makeout Room, a fight ensued between two strangers and i tried to break it up. one guy stopped me and said to let them fight so i did. as soon as one guy hit the ground and the other got on top, me and that guy stopped it…or tried, at least. the dude that lost wouldn’t stop until he got a hit, but the other dude just wailed on him again and he hit the ground hard the second time. his left eye was all puffy on the left. i told him to go home “‘fo’ popo finna cuff!” he asked me to have his back cuz he’s about to jump that dude. i said, ‘dude, why are you fighting? if you really wanna fight, go to iraq!’ i handed him his watch and hat as the cops came. when he was walking away, i told him he’s gotta work on his angle 1 counter. that was a cheap shot! haha.

***

damn! the dojo had me do 100 sit-ups on the first day. at first, i was like, ‘ok…20! …oh shit…30? 40?! 50!! fuck! 80? …shit…100!!!’ ouch…

on the second day, it was a cinch. i didn’t realize i could do 100 sit-ups.

i’ve been commended for doing really good for a beginner. we normally have to fight one person after another and the blackbelts have all been easy on me. i’ve been holding up though. some people noticed that i know how to box and can be pretty tricky. my defense is good. my stamina is weak.

i’m still smoking. i still eat after midnight. those are my main weaknesses. i have to stop that.

***

the movie footage is awesome! shooting in HD720p/24p with some color correction made the footage brilliantly saturated just like 35mm film! i’ll post some stills soon! the upcoming shoot is next week. call me or msg if you still want to get involved but haven’t.

***

i wish to get a better grip on my finances and buy a home this year.
i wish to get a better grip on my health and set an example for ku.
i wish she and i can finally resolve our issues and move forward with our lives.
i wish to complete the film and earn my sundance fig leaves.
i wish to be a better person.
i wish to move to another country, like iceland or new zealand, and author movies and books.
i wish to go back and finish my masters.
i wish to see _____ again.
i wish ku to be happy and strong.
i wish to take ku to my great grandfather’s island this year.

i wish to have lots of great sex.

***

xoxo

GODDESS OF SEX AND STRESS

Like Bullets Snowden

it’s silent here it’s violent you know
looking down from these dirty windows
I push the pull too but when I see you move
I know it’s just business as usual

we can walk like bullets and talk like bullets
in and out your face but you’ll never notice

you are god and goddess of sex and stress
wasted on organization in excess
and you got lost in a cycle of no progress
just rinse, repeat, remind and forget

we can walk like bullets and talk like bullets
in and out your face but you’ll never notice

yeah they stole your attention with that static screen
and I tried to steal it back but there was nothing left
and it took too many lies to satisfy your eyes
now I don’t want to get in your head

***

***

“please be nice.”

“please grow up!”

“i just said ‘be nice!’”

“I JUST SAID ‘GROW UP!’”

“…both of you, stop! you’re fighting about my lunch? psh…”

***

“show me love”

“not until you start doing more to win my affections again.”

“if you show me love, maybe i would do more! but nothing i do is ever good enough!”

“BECAUSE YOU HURT ME REALLY BAD AND I CAN NEVER TRUST YOU AGAIN!”

“…both of you, shut the fuck up! fishsticks or salami sandwich, i don’t give a shit! just stop fighting! i get stressed and misbehave at school to get either of your attention! which turns out cool sometimes cuz i can manipulate another pokemon figure from one of you…keke.”

***

i just watched A Scanner Darkly. good movie. i never read the book, but it’s funny how i got instantly into it. must’ve been all the acid i took when i was 13. i swear, i thought of this movie before…

winona is fucking hot. i’ve always thought so. now that she’s older, she looks even hotter.

***

last tuesday, i accidentally kneed one of the karate instructors in the nuts. the sensei said to the senpai, “heezu firs taimu. no attack! jus block.” then i went in a torrent of knee kicks which landed once right on his precious.

good thing he was wearing a cup. he said, ‘@#$%…i’m ok…my fault. i shoulda blocked. @$#%!”

later, he said, “you should come to my class on thursday.” then sort of grinned in an evil way.

today is thursday.

@#$%@$%~!!

***

i just got the ‘i’m sorry for being mean this morning. are we still on for saturday night?” message. gawd! @$%! NO!!!!

psh…kiss my ass some more then maybe. keke. fine then.

DE UN MAGNETICO

Electricidad Los Abandoned (Latin USA)

Ésto no
pareció
como el tipo de lugar
en que tu
querías estar

No sé que hiciste
No sé que
quisiste

Hasta que se cortó la electricidad
me
amaba hasta que…

Me han dicho
que el
amor
simplemente es un pujón
de un magnético
duro

Se esfuerza en la gravedad
Y termina en
antiguedad

Hasta que se cortó la electricidad
me
amaba hasta que…

O no, o no (3x)

Antes
de
sin querer
terminaste sin razón
el poder se
acabó

Hasta que se cortó la electricidad
me amaba
hasta que…

***

***

i’ve recuperated from the madness of last weekend and am waiting at ritual cafe on 21st right now to let my old friend and death metal comrade, riel, borrow my mixer so he can put together some of his ideas for his next black metal / noise release. i’m glad to help him out. plus, i’m thinking of quittin’ on dj’ing/vj’ing for a while. i’ll be focusing on this movie thing and family for a bit. it’s a good thing.

i have to get crack-a-lating with the next set of shoots. luckily, it won’t be as hectic as the last one. we didn’t get all the shots i wanted, but we got a lot of great shots and that’s what counts. we still have the episode i originally wrote minus the extra stuff i added to make it longer just to meet the feature length requirement. what i’ll have to do is add to the others if it falls short. otherwise, i’ll have to come back to the rickshaw to shoot pick up shots, which i don’t want to do.

i wanted my making the movie there be my swan song. i feel like i’m done going there. i want to cut down my drinking and meeting young chicks. yes, it’s fun, but not if it’s all the time. plus, i think i like more mature women…again. after all, it’s good to be missed (not forgotten).

*the music video set i prepared for the loaded show was not performed. you know what that means…a secret show!*

many friends showed up too late for their cameos (if they even showed up) which sort of bummed me out because i really wanted certain people to be in it. it’s not because i want to exploit their name or fame (most are self-proclaimed celebs anyways) but because i really like them and believe in them. plus, they were part of the inspiration. but, it didn’t happen. oh well. i have to keep going.

next time.

***

it could most certainly be true that we magnetize those who vibe alike from ourselves. the universe is truly special. we must first vibrate those qualities that we seek in others before others gravitate to us. it must be true. when i need kickass people in my life, i don’t find them until i start kicking ass myself. i’m proud to have the network that i do. they all are marvelous artists and producers and i’m glad to be in their list of commons. thank you, ass kickers.

speaking of ass kicking, i start oyama karate today! i promised ku i would train with him. the first thing he said to me this morning when he woke up (after slapping me awake) was, ‘are you ready to be white belt today, daddy?’ (translation: “you finna get yo ass wooped silly, pops?”)

oh yea.

WHAT I WANT IS PLEASURE

Barracuda Miho Hatori (Japan)

***

i just got done checking the dailies from the shoot last friday night and my pants are wet from the piss that escaped while i laughed my fucking ass off! haha!!! that was some hilarious shit!!! at first, i was bummed that i didn’t get the ‘butter’ shots i had planned, but the unplanned shit was some of the funniest and best shot stuff! i owe a ginormous thank you to the following people who held me together, buffered the hecticness, interfaced as guards, and kept me from breaking apart and crying in the corner (in no particular order)

chris golden
arusha baker
jen lenhart
parisa morid
michael rodgers
emily reud
erica taber
alex camargo
ben haven
nathan fritz
marina shimashevich
francis crossman
tatsuya ishi
mariah robinson
estelle raskin
mike nguyen
bryan lee
merkeley???
michael afendakis
expression equipment
every move a picture
the rickshaw stop
and all our extras

thank you for coming and helping this movie start on good faith and hilarity. i’m broke, but it was worth it! =D

at first, i was really worried. i ran the whole bathroom scene longer than it shoulda but it was necessary to get the momentum going. the original actors didn’t make it last minute so i had to put our own poor crew to pull through…and they fucking did! it was perfect! francis, our master gaffer and nathan, our sound mixer, jumped in and did an awesome job. thank you! i watched the footage and we got the shot. the best part was when they reacted, in camera, when i showed them real naked pics in my phone, which we used as the prop. that was fun! lol thanks mia!

then everyone broke to eat and drink while i broke the lights, sound, and camera down to set up outside…by myself. “wtf?!” i thought. lol

we shot outside and, at first, i was bummed that we didn’t get the ‘butter’ shot for outside, a slow mo shot of when she throws the ring and rolls to his feet. i bummed on it the whole day yesterday. i just watched the footage and WE GOT THE SHOT!

we had to skip the whole door girl scene, which bummed me out.

the bar scene was fucking funny as funny fucking! lol i swear, merkeley’s blunt humor and sharp wit had me and the sound crew holding our mouths from laughing during the shoot. it was fun. at one point, i had to LOL when they started talking about hair and how long it takes for them to prep that shit. that was funny.

i didn’t get all the shots i wanted of the club and dancing scene. i wish we coulda shot more people with spotlights. the footage didn’t come out as bright. these HD cams suck that way. they’re light hungry. oh well.

at the end of the night, everyone was headed to the coke party. if anything, i shoulda been shooting there for sure. but, i had to lock and load all the gear and still needed to drive to the east bay back and forth. i ended the night feeling like i coulda done better. plus, i wanted to hang and dance with _______ who was charming the pants off of me. i wasn’t really bummed about people not being there or the production took longer because of it. i was bummed more about not getting that perfect shot for each of the scenes.

but now that i’ve scanned through all the takes, i can definitely do some joselito magic on that shit! with that said, i’d like to share my motto with you:

“it is easier to pat ourselves on the back than it is to kick ourselves in the ass. we need other people for that.”

***

i’m such a bad tooth fairy. turned out ku put the last tooth that fell out under his pillow the past two nights wondering why the tooth fairy still haven’t left the dough. oops.

yesterday, i asked him how to spell TV and he said, ‘T-E-V-E’ then made a face like ‘duh.’ that was fun.

i start karate with him this week. oh boy. his sensei is known for beating the shit out of the adult students. kinda like REX KWON DO but japanese. great.

Napoleon Dynamite

***

who paid for the pizza?