IF YOU LEAVE NOW

The Dykeenies “Clean Up Your Eyes” (UK)

Clean Up Your Eyes and i’ll dance alone with you in daylight
Your Skin reminds me of sleeping on the clouds in my mind
Clean Up Your Eyes this time…
Clean Up Your Eyes This time…

You breathe in when i breathe out, its not likely i’ll ever feel this far, from someone from anyone at all…
If you leave now you leave with a piece of me, and a piece of us its not likely i’ll ever feel at all…

All things aside im not sure if i can help you this time
You swab your eyes and i see your face for the first time
But lets not hide inside…
No lets-not-hide this time…

You breathe in when i breathe out, its not likely i’ll ever feel this far, from someone from anyone at all…
If you leave now you leave with a piece of me, and a piece of us its not likely i’ll ever feel at all…

What you dont have, what you dont need, what you cant reach what you cant see…woo

You breathe in when i breathe out, its not likely i’ll ever feel this far, from someone from anyone at all…
If you leave now you leave with a piece of me, and a piece of us its not likely i’ll ever feel anymore…wow…

Do-do-do-dit do…

clean up your eyes this time…
clean up your eyes this time…

***

the recent passing of a friend connected through nightlife made another eye-opening impact on my own destructive behaviors and reopened my efforts to change towards a better life without having to completely dissolve my past or rid myself of associations that are genuinely friendly.

partying is fun. partying is great. but what happens when partying becomes all that you are? what are you celebrating? life? or lack of one?

wanna get laid? drunk girls are easy, right? ooh…get them at the afterparty! just make sure not to ’spread the news.’

and when we bond from talking all night, it’s not just the drugs driving the conversation. it’s also the loneliness of never having anything to say otherwise. how much do we really have in common? as soon as one cleans up, how often do we keep in touch? who stays loyal?

the irony is that i do have friends in the party scene. not everyone is fake. not everyone is shallow. although the general consensus is so, there are those who truly are artists, truly have wits, truly have what it takes, and truly do enjoy you. not everyone has a problem, and most that do wake from it. we see each other during the day, or outside the club, and not recognize each other. or, when we do, we ignore and try to hide.

how often has this happened, “hey what’s up?” and they say, “have we met?” and you say, “umm…a bunch of times…plus we’re friends on myspace.” and they say, “oh yea…hey.” then ignore you the rest of the night. until you bust out your drugs. they all remember you next time.

but not everyone is like that. i’m just critical on this rainy saturday…still a bit sedated from my minor surgery yesterday.

***

new year’s eve is creeping up. i know the rest of the world will be raging up a storm and i hope that everyone does it safely. be with right company and keep looking out for each other…i’m leaving now.

YOU’RE HEALING ME

Maximilian Hecker “Help Me” (Germany)

You’re leaving me
a thousand times
But you don’t know
You’re healing me
with your touch
But you don’t know
You don’t know
Help Me

***

my good friend and party buddy, James Lowe (aka Jimmy Sleeves) passed away last sunday in his sleep after a night of hardcore partying. his death is being regarded as an overdose. i’m shocked and upset…and a bit guilty.

we met about 4 years ago when my own party habit was a bit out of control. we’d frequent the same parties, shows, afterparties, and bathroom hijinx from which some of you are very well acquainted with. we had a great time hanging out and looking out for each other. he was generous and never ailed me one bit at any time.

Jimmy Sleeves and Pyper Revolver

he pulled himself out of the party scene to get his shit together and hearing that from him also got me to rethink about the people i hung out with every party night. i remember our conversation when he also began to resist hanging out with the same crowd that fostered our abuse. i stopped, albeit not completely, and so did he.

we didn’t see each other much after that decision, except for when we’d see each other on the streets of san francisco. part of the reason why i was able to ‘kick’ my abuse was because he got me to think. that’s why i am shocked to hear about his fall.

he was always nice to me and greeted me with all kinds of crazy news about his fights and the places he got kicked out of last time. i considered him a good buddy and always had his back the way he had mine.

i’m deeply saddened and confused. i feel like something is terribly wrong. i’m not straitedge but i hate coke dealers because of this. i know it was his choice…but…i feel very angry.

someone console me.

***

we will be throwing a gathering for jimmy at dolores park for friends that missed the memorial but would still like to get together in memory of him. we’ll keep you posted.

LOVE, LOVE IS A VERB

Newton Faulkner “Teardrop” (UK)

Love, love is a verb
Love is a doing word
Fearless on my breath
Gentle impulsion
Shakes me makes me lighter
Fearless on my breath

Teardrop on the fire
Fearless on my breath

Nine night of matter
Black flowers blossom
Fearless on my breath
Black flowers blossom
Fearless on my breath

Teardrop on the fire
Fearless on my breath

Water is my eye
Most faithful mirror
Fearless on my breath
Teardrop on the fire of a confession
Fearless on my breath
Most faithful mirror
Fearless on my breath

Teardrop on the fire
Fearless on my breath

Stumbling a little
Stumbling a little

***

i had to figure out what it was that my son really wanted from santa for christmas versus what i wanted santa to give him. we put together a wishlist and narrowed it down to what was affordable and wouldn’t encourage him further into video game addiction. so we went out for him to point out and talk about what would be most exciting for him to get from satan…i mean santa.

we were in the aisles and he magnetized to these pokemon trading card supreme box. he loves pokemon and insists on going to blockbuster all the time just to get these trading cards. he even agreed to take out the garbage and clean his room for $5 a week just so he can buy these cards without us having to deny him all the time. earlier today, he took out the garbage by himself. nice.

when we were about to leave, he pulled one of those, “daddy…can you buy this for me?” i told him that he should just ‘reserve’ it at the desk so santa can find it (and my sister can pick it up on time) but he insisted that i buy it instead of waiting for santa. then…then…the tantrum. he started crying and being all sad cuz he really really wants it tonight so he can play with his friends tomorrow and have their ‘pokemon battle.’ i told him to wait till christmas.

he started to have a fit. i had to sit him down and explain to him about the magic of christmas giving and how being ‘wagamama’ (japanese for ’selfishness’) can easily deter santa from giving what he wishes for. 15 minutes of crying later, i managed to hand the box of cards to an accomplice that went in line to buy it and stuff the gift in the trunk before he even notices. when he realized that the box was gone after i distracted him with other toys, he became very sad. i did too.

i said, ‘cheer up and stay positive. let’s wish together.’ he said, ‘i already did.’ ‘then why the long face?’ i asked. the only way to cheer him back up was to get him to quiet down, stand in horse-stance, and breath with his arms out to collect his ‘love chi’ into a ball in front of him. he resisted at first and claimed that his ‘hate chi’ is pretty strong. i told him that my ‘love chi’ is stronger, ’so breathe!’

we huffed and puffed three times until both of us had a big ball of ‘love chi’ collected in front of both us…then on the fourth breath, i hugged him so good that all that sadness was squeezed out of him!!! i started kissing him and tickling him nonstop until all that bad energy was gone. it worked! he was good after that. he did go back to look for the box, but he didn’t flinch that time. i saw him close his eyes…most likely to wish for it again.

santa was watching and listened.

***

MERRY XMAS, EVERYONE!!!

I’M GONNA FLOAT ABOVE YOUR BED

A Weather “The Feather Test” (Portland)

We lost a couple years, like a Christmas box,
crushed under the weight of standing still.
I’m serious, there’s no way you could be forgot.
The birds remember how to come home.

You left her from the basement, I was fading out,
the earthquake like a giant passing truck.
If I lose everything, then I lose you
but I’ll lose all the really bad things too.

I don’t feel so alive tonight,
the lightest things feel very heavy.
And you want to find a hedgehog friend.
You’re talking like a girl again.
Takes a lot to make you feel tempted.

It takes a lot of quills,
and I will, I will.
Takes a lot to make you cry,
and I will, I will.
Like a ghost without a throat,
held still until
he won’t feel so killed.

You get stuck, move if you can.
Bread in your hand, those hungry looks won’t hardly stand.
I guess I feel a bit lost without you,
a middle thumb stuck in your belt.

Oh believe me,
I will have no more of thee
and I’ll drive you far away from me.

I’m gonna fly right through the walls,
don’t be scared at all.
I’m gonna float above your bed,
I will, I will.
I’m gonna kiss you on your head,
miss you won’t know,
you’ll just feel a little wind instead.

In your dream I’m noticing the way she sits,
but tonight I’m letting you drive.
If you wannt touch me just a little bit,
you better use your smallest left hand.

I’m shaking like a candle light,
blow me out alright, already.
I get gone on whisky and cocaine,
on cought syrup and codiene.
Watch me move like nothing you see,
brush your hand across where you felt me.
Do I pass the feather test?

Is there any hope for me?
Oh, believe me,
I will have no more of thee
and I’ll drive you far away from me.

It takes a lot of faith,
to not to know
that the coaster if

It takes a lot of god’s will.
I will, I will.
It takes a quills,
until you know.
Like a hedgehog, believe it will.

We lost a couple years, like a Christmas box,
we knew that sometimes you’d feel better somehow.
I will, I will.

***

“..i’m sorry. i didn’t know you were going to get so upset. i didn’t mean to make you angry and sad especially. i was really surprised…i’m so sorry.”

***

we’ve been holding off making our separation official but it’s time. no more work to get in the way…only new horizons to enjoy and frontiers to discover. we asked each other before if we’d want to spend the next phase together, as lovers, and we both knew it to be true that there’s really nothing left besides memories and a familiar love. it’s time to go and be our next self…not apart…but not together either.

room for loving.

***

i’m so intrigued by you! i’ve been wanting to txt or call but i thought it might be creepy. maybe it’s just my horns extending straight out. or you thinking of me. so i’ll wait for you. you’re worth waiting for…

***

xoxo

FELL BETWEEN THE LINES

Lightspeed Champion “What Is It Worth?” (UK)

***

so i’ve been real bothered about stuff that’s happening at work. i also know that i have coworkers reading and analyzing what i write. although i feel as if i’ve shot myself on the foot, i think it was the best thing for my self respect to do what i did eventhough i knew it could ultimately cause trouble for myself and/or others. i just can’t let injustice and condescension make the worst out of me.

but, pride aside, i feel bad for exposing my coworker(s). i really don’t want to apply any harm on them, or anyone, believing ultimately that things can always work out once dialog starts. i didn’t realize that the climate at work is so volatile, especially now that it got elevated beyond my reach or fix. i may be stepping down…err…out…completely soon…just to keep others from any more grief.

***

MY CONSTANT BLOGGING PAID OFF!!! you know how we use to be friendsters and i would travel and blog all my crazy escapades (all of a sudden, ‘friends’ and colleagues started trying to censor me and ‘keep me in check’ which really pissed me off so then one day i decided to move to myspace and disconnected ‘cept for the few of you penpals and palpens? i started writing then some funny shit with music videos all the time and some of you, like noelle and cg and kyle and a bunch of others told me to keep going.

when too many people started reading, i started writing for mesh magazine and covered the rock dj divebar world. got syndication for tv and radio that way!!! haha! ironically, people started spying on me so i faked a myspace suicide and started on blogger. i didn’t tell anyone except the one i started myspace for in the first place.

zines, cable access, pirate radio, film, interactive tv, live shows, parties, and djvj stints later, my blog shit started to warp into an indie, electro, punk, adult contempt music video and rant site full of stuff from scandinavian, anglosaxon disco, jpunk, good ol’ american pbr drinking underground music, and local happenings pseudozine…and someone important started reading it…and emailed me today to ask if i would be interested in being the US contributor to their international magazine. my response to the email…

ARE YOU KIDDING? F@CK YEA!!

i can’t tell you who until i actually see it in my hand or on screen.

you should really subscribe to my blog from this point on though…especially if you wanna know who the company is that emailed me. i’ll give you a hint…

racquet.

=D

***

btw, i’m on to another song. it’s slow. adult contempt! sounds scandinavian slash japanese. anyone have a rhodes? or a good plugin?

TO MAKE A FOOL OUT OF ME

Adam Bianchi “Calling You Out” (Thousand Oaks)

ol’ boss, you’ve got nothing on me now
and i’m standing up and calling you out
i gave you my time
for your peace of mind
but boss you ain’t taking mine now

ol’ world, you’ve got nothing on me now
and i’m standing up and calling you out
you tried constantly
to make a fool out of me
but world you ain’t breaking me now

ol’ death, you’ve got nothing on me now
and i’m standing up and calling you out
you may take my friends
to their early ends
but death you ain’t taking me now

***

i downloaded my 1000th music video today. the one above. i would’ve had more if i hadn’t gotten my drive stolen 2 years ago along with all my old work archives, but being able to get up to 1000 again was just a treat. that’s 2.5 days worth of rock, dance, folk, and everything between, from around the world, nonstop.

***

i’ve been quite bothered lately. i sent out a department wide email responding to an email a co-worker had sent that reeked of familiar bullshit playing us for fools and making very misleading accusations regarding upper management and other departments. in their defense, i called him and his boss out on a number of things that were happening behind our backs and a counterpunch to some things they had done to me directly by airing it out. it felt good. they’ve been assholes to me for too long. but, it might be me that gets kicked out. =/

who cares.

***

shooting two music videos this week: 1) mine; 2) the beautiful losers. editing two videos this week: 1) mine; 2) some metal band. working on audio for two features this week: 1) mine; 2) morgan freeman. video projections for two shows this week: 1) dotCLUB fashion show; 2) the beautiful losers in san jose.

i’ve also volunteered at ku’s school to help with kid drop-offs in the morning. every morning. busy week.

***

i lost an auction on ebay today by some jerk who outbid me 5 seconds before the close. i was so pissed that ebay doesn’t extend the close date when people do that shit. fucking automated bot fuckers.

the item was a Panasonic HVX200 camera w/ (2) 8 gig P2 cards, a hard case, batteries, and a warranty for $4300. FUCK!!! a P2 card is worth $1100 alone. those cameras sell for $5k by themselves. i needed that desperately.

ok, universal clockwork. not meant to have it…or own it…or owe it. i guess i have to wait.

***

satan claus.

ALL AROUND THE WORLD FOR YOU

The Presets “My People (AUS)

***

fuck yea! the presets new single coming out in two weeks! this video is the sneak peek! wassup!

***

was in the studio all day today! finished the track minus the vocals. laid down the drums, then guitars, then bass, and keys that i might keep or not depending on what you all say. without it sounds pretty old school hardcore punk metal like if motorhead, discharge, voivod, and agnostic front got all in the pit and punched each other…yea, something like that. with the keys it sounds like i should start learning norwegian and dress like lurch from the addam’s family.

anyways, i need to figure out what kind of vocals to do on it. i’ve done every instrument so far, but got stuck on whether to get all troll and goblin on it or keep it raspy like after downing good ol’ american whiskey like wild turkey.

i guess i’ll do a survey. anyone want to give an opinion? i shoot the music video for it soon too.

***

“i have a crush on a friend. <3″

***

babysitting my favorite 3 yr old this saturday night with ku! fun fun fun. we’re gonna make lots of art stuff and eat a bunch of bad things.

***

smooches.

THE WAY YOU KISS

Delerium Tremens “I Want You” (UK)

i don’t want
the way you move
the way you smile
or act so cool
i don’t want
the way you kiss
or try to move my soul to this

i want you
i…i want you babe

darling don’t you ever
go away
baby don’t leave me
again.

and i don’t want
the way you move
the way you smile
though that’s so cool
i don’t want
second best
and i won’t give you
a second’s breath

i want you
i…i want you babe

darling don’t you ever grow away
baby don’t leave me
again.

so if you’re lonely there tonight
there is nothing i wouldn’t do
just to tear you apart
now
just to feel your heart
breaking
breaking over me.

all over me.

***

i’ve been having flashes of you. i’m sometimes in the middle of something important or doing something random and, all of a sudden, you pop in to mind. i hope all is well with you. i miss you.

***

“sealed with a kiss.”

***

i haven’t been around, i know. it’s nice to be missed sometimes. seeing you last time was a treat…although i think i’ll forever feel that our time together is never enough. i sort of…”long” for you. gay, i know.

in case you’re wondering, it’s been all about work and music projects lately besides the usual conundrum. i’ve started a metal project with rico and it’s slowly coming together. it’s only for fun but sometimes it gets kinda too serious. luckily, it’s easy to pull back.

the music is sort of “hardcore punk/metal crossover” (kinda like a cross between slayer, motorhead, ministry, discharge, and voivod). we should have a demo tape (yes, tape!) by frost.

speaking of frost…

Celtic Frost (1984)

Celtic Frost (2006)

i would like to pay tribute to the original ‘corpse paint’ heroes of the past from which panda make became admissable as a mark of metal authenticity:

Gene Simmons

Alice Cooper

Kind Diamond

and, of course, the OG corpse painters…

Kabuki

***

Formula for the perfect kiss
If you thought you’d found the formula for the perfect kiss already, think again.

Scientists have come up with what they believe is the key to the perfect smooch, and if you calculate correctly, you can even predict what a kiss is going to be like before you’ve had it!

Experts working for Wrigley’s have factored in details such as how much you fancy the other person, where you are when you kiss and how good their hair smells to come up with the following formula:

(Lsquared +3F) + (2G/Br) = the perfect kiss

Apparently, scores over 91 mean that you’re likely to have a truly fantastic kissing experience.

If you can be bothered to deal with all of the mathematics involved, this could be the answer to many online dating enthusiasts’ dreams – as it might theoretically be possible to work out how good a kiss will be before you’ve even met the other person!

Although quite how you would work out how their hair smells without actually getting up close to them is anyone’s guess?

Armed with the formula but got no-one to kiss?

***

mistle toe season commence tonight.