YOU DO IT TO YOURSELF

Mark Ronson “Just” (Radiohead cover) (NYC)

Can’t get the stink off
He’s been hanging round for days
Comes like a comet
Suckered you but not your friends
One day he’ll get to you
And teach you how to be a holy cow

You do it to yourself, you do
and that’s what really hurts
You do it to yourself, just you
you and no-one else
You do it to yourself
You do it to yourself

no gettin sympathy
Hanging out the 15th floor
changed the locks three times
He still comes reeling through the door
and theyll get to you
And teach you how to get to purest hell

You do it to yourself, you do
and that’s what really hurts
You do it to yourself, just you
you and no-one else
You do it to yourself
You do it to yourself

You do it to yourself, you do
and that’s what really hurts is
You do it to yourself, just you
you and no-one else
You do it to yourself
You do it to yourself, yourself, yourself.

***

it’s been quite a while now since i’ve sat down to write about life and mood. i guess some of you have noticed but many of you don’t really give a damn. those that care either ask or simply subscribe to my (myspace) blog. but i know that most of you don’t even have a clue as to why i write and always post music videos. i guess there’s no harm in explaining:

i started writing this blog as a way to dedicate songs and write love letters to a secret someone. it was our only way to keep in touch without ever having our love exposed. she loved my writing and the music i dedicate to her, forever encouraging me to follow my passions. she was my darling.

i would always write in generalities (embedded with secret codes between the lines) and the universality of it became a fave amongst other girlfriends who were convinced i was writing about them.

it developed into more of a music sharing thing since i’d always post music videos that best express how i was feeling. i would also write about stuff that started becoming more specific. until one day, the secret code was broken…and writing about ‘her’ and how i felt was the same as shooting myself on the foot. even if noone is looking, it will eventually get noticed. so i had to become even more secretive if i was to hold on to my passion for love letter writing.

i got in trouble once again. i had to either stop writing or give up my relationship with someone who took major offense that i still keep in touch with my college girl. i chose to give our relationship up and continue writing.

one day, i found out that my college girl is getting married. it broke me apart and i decided to stop writing for her and my own good.

but, i can’t stop. so, even though she’s moved on, i still write, listen, watch, and feel for her. i kept going and many things arose from it. after a while, i had over 40 gigs of indie rock and electro music videos from all over the world. i also became a better humorist from writing nonstop. i also became deeply knowledgeable of underground UK and the Netherlands music scene because of it. my film work became very different from the rest because of it. i guess it did do me some good.

for the past few months, i’ve been less inclined to write (mainly because i didn’t want to write to her anymore). but, since my departure from my media education profession two months ago, there’s nothing else i would rather do than write articles and produce videos. all of a sudden, i get a call from _______ TV to come in and edit some music promos for their channel! fucking awesome! i was so excited and humbled that a company i look up to would want to recruit me. fuck yea!

getting that gig rejuvenated my loins. i feel so much at home, sexier, inspired, and, best, grateful. she doesn’t even know but because of her, i got a dream job! i wish i could say ‘thank you’ but i know getting in touch with her would only revive a bunch of confusion. so, i hope she reads this one…even if it’s the last time…

I’LL CLOSE MY EYES AND PLAY YOUR TUNE

Mum “We Have A Map Of The Piano” (Iceland)

Please don’t flow so fast
You little mountain hum
I’ll take a bottle down to you

Please don’t flow this fast
You hold a little hum
I’ll bottow sounds of me for you

Please don’t flow so fast
You little mountain din
I’ll bottle piano sounds from you

Please don’t flow so fast
You little mountain noise
I’ll close my eyes and play your tune

***

ku has inspired me a lot lately. he’s been taking piano lessons and he’s totally jammin’ and loving it! he’s even starting to figure out songs he likes like “Smoke On The Water” by Deep Purple and “Sunshine Of Your Love” by Cream!!! seriously! =D

Deep Purple

Cream

i started teaching myself music again. i’ve taken it upon myself to call up some other multi-instrumentalist buddies and throw keys at them to see what chords we’d hit. it’s definitely motivating me to figure out what it is that i’m playing. i never learned how to read or write music. i’ve always just played it.

Cream: (ltr) Ginger Baker, Jack Bruce, and Eric Clapton

when i was about 7 or 8, i started going to ‘piano’ lessons. i never learned the piano but i did learn anti-authoritarianism. see, i was still living in manila when my folks split up. my mom was in san francisco and my dad was all over. a lady my dad hired took care of both me and my sister along with the household servants and the financial management of the estate, a power she used to filter our allowance and used it for lingerie to seduce my dad unsuccesfully. she was a total bitch (but that’s another story).

it was someone’s great idea, after assessing my talent with guitars and pots, to get me started on piano lessons. i remember being excited! until, of course, i got there.

the lady would hit my hands if i started to play the piano!?? that’s really all i remember…but i think, in retro and introspect, i might’ve been so anxious to play that i wasn’t as intent on listening to her teach me chopsticks! or, maybe, her idea of getting me to play properly is to hit my fingers whenever i’d make a mistake. that’s probably how she learned.

i think it might’ve been more because i’d start trying playing diminished triads without knowing it’s the ‘devil’s chord’ and she’d get all hot and bothered, she had to abuse me. yea, that’s it! =D

ever since, i hated LESSONS. i love the piano and playing the guitar as well as banging on pots still. i just hated anyone trying to tell me what and how to do things. i attribute that moment in my post piano lesson epiphany as being the earmark for when i became anarcho-humanitarian. for real.

***

i downloaded a guitar app from versiontracker.com called chordbook 3.6.1 and found another app called SimpleChord during a search on google. i was able to analyze the songs i’ve been playing on a guitar tuned to EBEGBE then figured out the chord progressions and the scales that went along with them, then translated it to piano! i’ve never done that before! of course, i still have no idea how to write music, but at least i can tell others what key and all that. that’s really a leap for me.

***

speaking of piano parts, i need to finish a song but can’t seem to find the resolving key in a set of progressions, so could someone help me out with that? it’s for a sappy song in the movie…

***

oh yea, i have a dream job interview this week! hurray!

NICKLE AND DIMED

Two Ton Boa “Cash Machine” (Olympia, WA)

Something’s cracked inside
Like the liberty bell
My heart clanking flat
Like that cold abandoned shell

Bankrupt thoughts
Steal my hope
Fix the bail
Charge me interest while I’m stuck
In your plastic jail
From my cell I hear the clink
Of my freedom ring
Inside the belly of your cash machine

It should be Criminal with a capitol “C”
How you try to hook me with your false promises

These happy endings ring a bell
Steal my hope
Set the bail
Sell it back to me at cost
In your fancy jail
Like the sun I watch it sink
Like a holy grail
Inside the belly of your cash machine

Faceless metal miser
hoarding desires
Crowned with a briar patch of tangled razor wire
You grant
You damn
From your throne in my hands
Mechanical messiah
You’ve robbed my kingdom blind

Nickel and dimed
It surely comes as no surprise
I can’t afford your paradise
The one that rings me up and smiles

You cast a spell
Steal my hope
Set the bail
Sell it back to me at cost
In your fancy jail
You won’t rest until I’ve sunk every living thing
Inside the belly of your cash machine

Faceless metal miser
hoarding desires
Crowned with a briar patch of tangled razor wire
You grant
You damn
From your throne in my hands
Mechanical messiah
You’ve drained my kingdom dry!

***

i’ve been sleep deprived lately. not because of having to work all night like usual but because i’ve been entrenched in researching current political and economic issues regarding the next presidency.

i’ve been doing my best to read up on the plans and records of each of the candidates that are winning the most support on both bipartisan parties and especially the underdogs that are getting less mass media attention.

i wanted to find the one that best represent MY OWN convictions and reflect my libertarian / post-anarchist upbringing and who champions the two main issues i have as an immigrant with a naturalized US Citizenship.

the two main issues i have is the war and tax. i am completely against US Imperialism and taxation of the working class (which is illegal!-never ratified by Congress and the IRS is a privately owned conglomerate of banks!). so, being against the IRAQ war is not enough for me. i want our military to engage more on things like climate survival science and rescue technology, or better yet, medicine and deep sea/space technology. i know i smoke a lot of pot but i’ve grown up that way.

being pro tax cuts doesn’t appeal to me either. instead, i want imperialist policies of this government to end and redirect the money we spend towards killing technology to stabilizing the dollar value so that people in London could start saying, “oi! our quids shrunk half as soon as we stepped off the aero!” and not the other way around.

but, something troubling happened. this whole time, i never felt easy with either major political party. i registered Peace and Freedom when i was 18 but never voted or got involved. i switched to Green until i found out how corrupt they are too. i became libertarian traditionalist when i got more involved as an activist during college, when i was doing the most political writings, lectures, action organizing, protests and demonstrations.

what is libertarianism? well…it’s not an extreme right wing philosophy, as some might think. it’s simply a Philosophy of Liberty and how certain pillars of civil behavior and precepts of justice can dictate the rest of all governance and self-determination issues that, we, americans can all agree on. here, watch this. it explains it in very simple terms (and graphics!)

now, here’s the whole reason why i’m writing this…i found the candidate that would champion my deepest issues and raise the flag of liberty and justice that resonate with my passions…but he is running as a Republican, a party that won’t nominate him because the rest of the club are a bunch of Imperialists. this may not work.

i’m also scared that by abolishing all other social services would somehow be of greater help to those who truly truly need it, like the disabled, the old, and the terribly poor. for that, i could only trust a Democrat underdog whose taller wife is seen as a trophy.

however the primaries go, i believe that libertarian ideals have come more and more in the forefront as an alternative to voice the concerns of the common working people. we don’t want our nickels and dimes go to someone else who’ll use it to strike against us whether they be the ‘enemy’ or our elected(?) leaders! does anyone else feel me on this? i know i get bashed on YouTube.

i need a massage.

WATCHING YOU TURN FROM ME TOWARDS YOUR FRIENDS

Emily Haines “Our Hell” (Canada)

First went, room is hard to find
We’re paralyzed, we apologize
Our hell is a good life

Last went wrong, where’s my prize?
Under the lights
Can we call it in, we’ll be on the road
Can we stop?
When we stop
My back will turn your face toward the fence

What if what it was it isn’t now?
What if what it was it isn’t now?

All this weight is on, it’s worse
We’re moderate, we modernize
‘Til our hell is a good life

Oh, we know what to forget
How to do right
Colouring in the black hole
Can we stop?
When we stop
My hands will shake, my eyes will burn, my throat will ache
Watching you turn from me towards your friends

What if what it was it isn’t now?
What if what it was isn’t?
Punishment to stall, it’s done
What if what was in was missing out?
What if what it was it isn’t now?

There’s a pattern in the system
There’s a bullet in the gun
That’s why I tried to save you
But it can’t be done
It can’t be done

***

ever start liking somebody then get scared and pull your head back and hide like a turtle around a snake? ever begun to like someone hot and super cute and goofy but also reserved and a happy loner? someone with eclectic taste in music and a musician too? with a past so intriguingly mysterious but you seem to already understand them? someone you want to hold but afraid to scare away? someone that turns you on, have dreams about, and seems to like you back?

***

last night, i was talking with a friend about third dates. i mentioned how in ‘third dates, you either establish if ‘it’ is gonna go down or if you’re just friends.’ she didn’t believe that to be true since some couples hook up after being friends for a while (like in her case) but i meant ‘dates.’ like you go out not as friends but suitors with a romantic agenda. ‘if on the third date there isn’t any action, more than likely it’s not gonna happen!’ i said. then i realized that’s a stupid rule, kinda like when you open the car door for someone then expect them to unlock yours then judge them if they don’t.

it’s better to be a happy loner. (but she makes me so hot i can’t stand it! ugh!)

***

i <3 emily haines!!!!!!

***

i recently submitted a grant proposal to PBS for financing a non-fiction one hour program on environmental/alternative food. i don’t eat that stuff but it would be one show that i’d like to watch and learn from since i really do care about health and society even though i was raised on spam. plus, it’ll keep me busy for the summer. i guess i might not be able to go to the netherlands after all…UNLESS! unless i plan the netherlands as part of the show?? like, what the hell do they eat over there? yea, i can bring the HD cameras there! fuck yea! great idea, hoser! =D

***

snake love

JUST FRIENDS

Perishers “Step Out Of The Shade” (Sweden)

Was it love, Or just something that reminded me of?
Something that felt a lot like, but wasnt, love
Just friends, friends then until the end
You know I still pretend, just friends.

Take a step and come out of the shade
I can tell you’re no longer afraid
I’m helpless without your warming smile
Take a step and come out in the sun
I can tell its already begun
I’m helpless without your warming smile

Was it love, I think it was but I’m far from sure
I’d never felt that way before, was it love?
Just friends, am I a fool to be asking for
a fool to wish that we could be more than friends

Take a step and come out of the shade
I can tell you’re no longer afraid
I’m helpless without your warming smile
Take a step and come out in the sun
I can tell its already begun
I’m helpless without you,
helpless without you
helpless without your warming
smile

***

i miss you.

WE’RE MAKING A START

Epsilon Blue “Look What You’ve Done” (New Zealand)

You!
You came out of nowhere
Out of the dark
We’re making a start
We’re turning it up
You!
You make me believe’n
Making me feel things
Making me do things
That I wanted to do
Look what you’ve done to me
You!
Look what you’ve done
So soon
It felt so right
I didn’t know what to do
I got a little confused
Look what you’ve done to me
You
Keep me in time
Clear out my mind
You
It’s just for you
Look what you’ve done to me
I got lost in your eyes
Got out of my mind
Over You
I’m so into you
Look what you’ve done to me
You!

***

i’m so intrigued by you. i know we don’t know each other well at all but…but i think you’re real hot! ugh. i’m, like, thinking of you a lot. like, kissing you and stuff. and, being talented and artistic is just makes me so nervous…i think i’m gonna explode! ugh. you’re eyes are so pretty…plus you’re a little emo…and i like that.

***

“let’s re-do new year’s eve together!” ~i fucking love it!!!! =D

***

i’m so looking forward for this year. lots of things to and people to do. last night was awesome! ku and i stayed up eating traditional japanesey food like buckwheat noodles and root veggies. later on at countdown, we watched the fireworks from the freeway overpass in potrero hill where the sky lit up against the city lights. i cranked KFOG and they were playing Elvis and Billy Idol and it just matched up to the explosions so perfectly. it was real sweet. we crashed out soon after but totally overslept and missed the first sunrise!!! AAAAHHHH. oops. hehe! that’s ok. we can redo that tomorrow too.

today, we grubbed on mochi soup (ozoneh-it’s like pounded rice, very sticky, people can die eating it! haha), a traditional new year’s day food for nipponites. so yummy!!! yum yum yum. we’re totally gonna chillax today under this beautiful sun, be thankful we are healthy, happy, and together in this life, watch a movie, eat popcorn, wrestle, call friends (awake ones), and blow kisses into the air for girls we like, go play outside, and hit the east bay for this mochi pounding, sake slurping, get together.

our year is starting out right. i hope yours do too. so much to be thankful for…love love love.

***

i can’t wait to see you.

xoxo

DON’T SAY YOUR GOODBYES

Bic Runga “Say After Me” (New Zealand)

Moon glow
White light will bathe your pillow
Loneliness leaves no shadow
Where did you go?

Be cool now
Quietly up and leave you
Must I be your fool and lead you
How gracious we go

Love ends in a fire
Fire through the streets
Set them alive
Don’t say your goodbyes
Say after me
I’ll go my own way baby, yeah

It’s a crying shame
To have only hopeless sorrow
To have no more days to borrow
The distance will grow

A new day
Out walking cold and endless
All to be stoned and painless
I’m lost in the snow

Love ends in a fire
Fire through the streets
Set them alive
Don’t say your goodbyes
Say after me
I’ll wish you well then baby, yeah

Raise to the ground
I’ll burn you down
Before you go and break me

Burn like the sun
What has become
Of you and me

***

as the year comes to a close, self-reflection is evident amongst all of us. this past year has been quite a doozer. on the better side, everything i set out to do i accomplished: working on my film and finishing several episodes, working with death angel singer mark for destruction’s new album, traveling to the american south, meeting and hanging exclusively with my heroes hank shocklee (bombsquad) and chuck d (public enemy), getting a documentary i made to national rotation (although only a few months), making music videos that will air in mtv-japan, getting published as a music review writer for fred perry’s subculture mag, and reconnecting with old friends, best of all. yea, it was busy this past year.

i also wanted to congratulate my young comrade lxndr for pulling through with everything we set out to do. in matters of months, we were able to accomplish everything we said we would do and finished with high scores without ever losing sight of friendship or courteous reciprocity. good job alex! same goes to michael rodgers, who came through a number of times as my lead actor for bizarre love pentagram and continued to suffer me and my directorial yelling. sorry for making you snort sweet-n-low, mike! lol another award should also go to chris golden, who not only came through time after time but also lent a friendly ear and gave sound advice when my life seemed like it was unraveling. i really appreciate you, i hope you know that.

so much shit happened this past year…but you know those sayings, ‘as one door closes, another opens…’ and ‘a blessing in disguise’ and all that crap. i lost my job at expression (again) to close the year. but, even with the unjust and peculiarly mean way it was done, it was best that it ended. i hated how lazy and incompetent my supervisors are. although i’ll miss the friends i’ve made, i really don’t need to suffer other people’s short comings. that said, anyone hiring? lol

i also had a major break-up (again) and finally lost someone important to me to someone else. although, it taught me a higher concept of love and truth and i thank them both for making me grow.

the summer revealed a wild side for sure. i..ahem…sowed my wild oats (again) without fatal consequences. i’ll be less inclined to play russian roulette from now on and will keep my lips exclusive for the right preference.

my fighting skills sharpened tremendously this year from bouts and rigorous training. i got back in touch with my roots through warrior arts and wizardry by heightening my threshold for pain, beating men twice my size, and wielding the sword of diplomacy and peace. i realized how important it is to shed ego and identify when real danger approaches. i’ve become braver and smarter…and a bit huskier too, may i add! lol

best of all, i’ve learned to control my anger and sadness by harnessing artistic prowess to release them most constructively. much of what i accomplished this year was fueled by madness, guilt, and depression, but overall the results were magnificently exotic (and seemingly talent driven!lol)…or at least so i think.

i’m happy with the friends i’ve made this year and the friends i’ve grown deeper with. there are lots to look forward for in the coming year and i can’t wait to get to the next level: the final episode of the film, the release of music recordings, the tour in the netherlands, the beginning of amorous relationships, and the realization of artistic ambitions.

i hope your new year’s eve is as reflective as mine and that the year to come is as prospectus. be sure to let love ones know they are close to heart and that the person next to you at countdown is who you wish to share a kiss with. keep it safe and savvy!!! we’ve got lots to look forward for and change to make!

let love rule.

xoxo

***

enjoy the fireworks and light the streets on fire!!!! (not literally, of course) =P