Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there’s no-one else to blame
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
***
it was real weird but it felt like dusk the whole day yesterday. i was cleaning out the basement to rid of the old and make room for shit ______ inherited from the stores after the business divorce. the irony was that as we cleaned out the basement, all sorts of memorabilia were literally unearthed. it was like a time capsule covered in dirt…and mold.
i found a bunch of butter cookie tin cans and a cigar box that each held inside it pictures, flower petals, coconut oil bottles, love letters, foreign coins, and mold from each high school sweetheart i had. there was a red can that still had a lock of braided hair from the girl i cheated on the other girl with before i cheated on her with the other girl the same year. i was cheating on both of them with this other girl who i use to go out with before both of them. she had a can too.
luckily, i chucked all that away yesterday and into the storage before ________ and her friends started digging through the boxes of stuff from college, when she and i started seeing each other. stuff from the very beginning including pooka shell necklaces i use to wear cuz i thought i was hawaiian, photography class prints when she used her class assignment as an excuse to take pictures of me, and junk we both knew was time to be thrown.
ironically, it was the first time we acted like a team cleaning the shit out of the basement together and setting up these metal racks we can use to organize the stuff we did want to keep like things we obviously need and made room for all new junk to let mold.
throughout the whole time, i would glimpse the ground and the shadow of the ivy leaves that hang above us. the sun was two hours after high noon but the shadow was as orange as the dusk. i’m always amazed at the orange patterns of dusk light that stream through my window and unto my kitchen wall. i love that orange so much. this time, it was on the ground. i took polaroids but i’ve gotta conserve these shots. i have a weird feeling that i have the last unexposed polaroid film in existence.
the fires down south has been raging for days now. the smell of smoke became apparent days ago, but i never imagined what the 7pm sun today would look like. my son pointed out ‘look at the sun!’
it was blood red.
dusk has always been my favorite time of the day.
***
she hinted at me that she felt real ‘emotional’ about things, especially the argument she had with her ex-partners. after cleaning out the basement, i asked her again about what happened. i sat, listened, took her side, and gave her support. i told her i’d fight for her.
i went out a few times this past weekend and didn’t have a good time. i basically did the same things that were fun once but not fun much anymore. not the least entertaining. i guess i’ve had enough of drowning myself with lousy music in the hormone vortex.
or is it just that i haven’t met anyone in these dark places in drunken times that would come close to being half of what you are to me??
Holla,
Yay,
Look here shorty,
I see you over there
Talking at Sean Pierre Le Douche
you need the gum holla at the real fat vibe Faberyayo
‘coz you mighty tasty look
You lookin’ real tasty
You lookin’ like a meal
Matter of fact,
You lookin’ like breakfast, bitch
You breakfast
Bitch, you breakfast
You breakfast,
You breakfast
You the cheese on my baguette,
The jelly on my bread
The French on my toast,
Where the ho’s at
Bitch, you breakfast
Your breakfast,
Bitch you breakfast,
Your breakfast
You the cheese on my baguette,
The jelly on my bread
The French on my toast,
Where the ho’s at
Bitch you breakfast,
Yeaah,
You breakfast,
Yay!
Flapjacks baken,
Let me sip it ojay
Holla holla holla,
Oat meal and granola
You breakfast
Yeah bitch, you’re breakfast
Eggs on the side up on look bitch
Want scrambled over jam
Ho, you better ‘coz you breakfast
Yeah bitch, you breakfast
Yay,
Bitch, you breakfast
Yeah!
You breakfast
I may eat ya
Me do you in the kitchen,
Do you on the table
Do you from a hot meal walk
Sippin from you navel
Bitch, you breakfast,
You breakfast,
You breakfast
Let me crack that chicken legs wide open
And get start over there
It’s said in the morning,
You tasty, you look like a meal,
You breakfast,
You breakfast,
You breakfast,
You breakfast,
Bitch,
Bitch, you’re breakfast
You’re breakfast,
Bitch you breakfast,
You breakfast
Bitch, you breakfast,
You breakfast!
You ain’t got shit on lunch do
Oh, coz that other bitch
Your girlfriend
She lunch
She be lunch and you know what
You ain’t got shit on lunch,
And lunch didn’t got shit on dinner
And dinner ain’t got shit on midnight munchies
But you all tasty lookin’
Now holla at a pay
Breakfast
Bitch, you breakfast,
Holla,
Holla holla holla,
Oatmeal and granola
You breakfast,
Yeah bitch, you breakfast
Holla holla holla,
Oatmeal and granola
You breakfast
Yeah bitch, you breakfast,
Bitch, you breakfast,
Holla!
***
monday, fast day 1:
everything normal in the morning. i skip breakfast all the time and usually have a good ol’ burrito at lunch. today i decided to avoid all food and walk up twin peaks*. i took the dog for park play with __ then took him to school after. i started to become real hungry by the afternoon and felt pretty weak. i couldn’t stop thinking about Sparky’s patty melt or bacon cheeseburger and how good it is at 4am after a whole night of hefeweizen or captain morgan and cokes, especially if it comes with the spicy curly fries and ranch dressing to bathe it in…yum! ugh. eckh. plus, i love Sparky’s nightshift crew. i was starving.
by night time, i was real irritable and weak. i drank lots of water and herbal tea all day and decided to sleep early. i watched the last 3 episodes of Twin Peaks, which i’ve been heavily addicted to the last week or two after finding the whole series online. “Fire walk with me!!!”
i’ve been loving Twin Peaks so much that i’ve decided to cut my hair like Agent Cooper. pics later
tuesday, fast day 2:
i woke up fairly normal. i expected to be lightheaded but i wasn’t. i took my dog for a walk and decided to stay home most of the day and meditate. my mind would wander and think of food i crave like Sparky’s bacon cheeseburger and patty melt, vietnamese sandwiches, the roast beef sandwich at that deli by west portal station, chinese porridge with chicken bits and ginger plus shrimp dim sum from that little shop on clement and 6th avenue, asqew bbq ribs, grubsteak 20 oz new yorkers with two eggs on top, shrimp and avocado egg florentines at mama’s kitchen, and the list goes on.
during my meditation, i started to really feel what it’s like to be hungry. then it dawned on me. at the end of my fast, i can easily start eating again. but, there are too many people in the world who feel like this endlessly who have no choice but to keep ‘fasting’ because there really is no food to eat. i started to weep. i wept because of guilt. i vowed to never take hunger for granted ever again.
i weighed myself. i lost 6 pounds overnight.
i decided to go for a walk. i went down through 24th street, which is not the best place to walk down if you’re fasting because of all the great taquerias and panaderias that wreaked of mouth-watering mexican love and goodness! but, i wanted to test my will power, so i went. it smelt so fucking good in that neighborhood! even if you don’t eat meat or bread, you can’t deny how good it all smells, especially with all the happy people smiling and enjoying their food. i love my neighborhood.
i noticed my sense of smell became very acute.
from 24th, i walked down mission to 16th street passing by small thrift and pawn shops like i used to back in the day. i’ve completely missed my neighborhood! i should walk down mission more often. when i got to 16th, i noticed a small mexicatessan with a picture of menudo* that looked so good i promised myself to get some once i start eating again. yum!!!
not this Menudo
this menudo!
wednesday, fast day 3:
today is my last day of fasting. strangely enough, i wasn’t hungry anymore and i had lots of energy. i went for a walk with the dog and felt positive about life and liberty. i still thought of all the hungry people in the world and how disconnected i’ve been with them and myself this whole time. i gorged on food and spent too much on alcohol and herb this whole time. i realized after tempting myself and testing my will power yesterday that i DO have control over my life, at least the choices i make as to what i put in my body and mind. i felt ready to make changes. i break fast later in the evening so i looked forward for that. i weighed myself and lost 3.5 more pounds.
i went for another walk to meet with someone but that meeting fell apart. instead, i made a few business calls then went home to meditate before breaking fast. so much went through my mind. i began to understand better how my health, my mind, and my spirit all linked up. i vowed to make changes, not extreme ones, but i definitely need to take better care of myself and the world around me will also change. i’ll still drink and smoke herb once in a while, but the urge to do it nightly is gone. i’ll still eat meat and enjoy decadent desserts but i no longer feel compelled to eat all of it. just a taste will be fine. i also feel a bit more connected with the world and feel positive about life. i’m not sure if that’s a byproduct of starvation insanity or if the toxins that left my body took negative thoughts along with it??
______ boiled some daikon (radish) and had me drink the water. first just a bowl of the boiled radish water, then i ate the radish with salty pickled plums which is suppose to work like a scrub, then the rest of the boiled radish water.
an hour later, i expelled the rest of the junk in my stomach and felt so relieved. i finished the 3 day fast with a feeling of accomplishment, greater will power, positive outlook, and self-respect. i also had a tremendous amount of energy surprisingly. i decided to eat only raw/living food for the rest of the week and see how it goes from there. almost all my cravings are gone but i still want to have that menudo one day.
***
i’m back.
***
the other day, i got a msg from a long time myspace penpal hottie who i’ve adored since 2004 and never met. i used her pic for a flyer cuz i thought she was real pretty and became online friends since. we sent each other cute msgs that led to a phone call, the first of its kind. she mentioned how she seems to know me already from all the bulletin and blog posts of the past 4 years. i also felt like i’ve watched her grow up. yes, it was an xoxo crush between two post emo kids but talking to her made me realize how i missed writing and posting these things. so, in dedication, here’s a post for you and all the myspace hotties i’ve come to love, whether for real or virtual.
