FOLLOW ME HOME

Rex The Dog “Prototype” (UK)

***

recently, i was on my G rated public profile (Facebook) and happened on to some posts that said “St. Cecilia Class of 1986.
” there could’ve been a million of these private schools all over the world but i clicked on it anyways and here’s what came up:

this is my 3rd grade class. i’m not in the picture because i came late in the year. the fourth kid on the top row from the left is alex leja. he and i became chums and had lots of play dates. he had a dog, golden retreiver, and we had lots of fun.
his family is from chile and i remember his mom adding dill to rice and i thought, “WTF??”

one day, after another playdate, i left his house at west portal to walk to mine in the sunset district. after several blocks, i turned around and realized that his dog had gotten out and followed me. it kept several paces back so i had no idea, also maybe cuz i was, like, 8 and was too busy smashing pumpkins on the way home. i yelled at it to “GO BACK!” but it sat there instead. after several more blocks, i turned around and realized it had followed me that much farther. wtf? “i should just bring the dog home and call them” i thought.

when i got to 19th avenue light, i crossed the street and managed to get the dog across the street without a leash.
mind you, it was bigger than me! but, when another dog showed up across the street, the FUCKING DOG RAN ACROSS THE STREET AND A MINIVAN MAKING A LEFT TURN HIT THE DOG!!! everyone ran over and, because there were no cell phones yet, i ran home to call them and the driver called the tag numbers, which i suspect was also them?? i was only a block and a half away from my house! how terrible!!! =(

ever since, i couldn’t play with alex. turns out that his mom told all the other moms that my mom used them for daycare because she’s a single immigrant woman without a man and no money.

i fucking hate dill.

***

when i was 9, i came home with a dog from the park who also followed me home. it was a golden lab. it had no tags and just followed me all over the park one day and all the way home. i thought “maybe this guy is hungry…” so i took it home and fed it. we hugged the rest of the afternoon.

mama gets home from work around 9pm after a long day of commuting and selling insurance. whenever she gets home, she gives a big “phew” before she takes off her heels and lies on the couch.
that night, she gave a “phew”, took off her heels, and sat on me and the dog! IT STARTED BARKING!!! and she was screaming!

when the dog stopped and she got herself together, i asked “so….can i keep him??”

guess what she said.

bye dog.

***

omg, i totally let lxndr talk me back into playing music again at the beauty bar on wednesdays, the same way we did last summer! haha! well, not exactly the same way. this time, we wanted to just keep it tight and play more scene friendly stuff.

sort of like a venue for us to just play the music we share with our girlfriends and closest buddies we love nerding out with. so kinda like sweet and soft to bitter and hard but always classy and sassy with a dash of douchebagalicious.
(alex will probably kill me when he reads this)

anyways, WEDNESDAYS at The Beauty Bar will be on us and dewar’s scotch, so you and your entourage can have a place to be besides the places your ex hangs out at.
remember, WEDNESDAYS at The Beauty Bar…say it!

here’s the unofficial flyer, but tell only your trusted friends!

YOU’RE LOVING SOMEBODY ELSE

Duffy “Stepping Stone” (UK)

I remember way back way back when
I said i never wanna see your face again
Cause you were loving yes you’re loving somebody else
And I knew oh yes I knew I couldn’t control myself
And now they bring you back into my life again
And so I put on a face just like your friend’s
But I think you know oh yes you know whats going on
Cause the feelings in me oh yes in me are burning strong

But I will never be your stepping stone
Take it all or leave me alone
I will never be your stepping stone
I’m standing upright on my own

You used to call me up from time to time
And it would be so hard for me not to cross the line
The words of love layed on my lips just like a curse
And i knew oh yes i knew they’d only make it worse
And now you have the nerve to play along
Just like the maestro beats in a song
You got your kicks you get your kicks from playing me
And the less you give the more i want so foolishly

But I will never be your stepping stone
Take it all or leave me alone
I will never be your stepping stone
I’m standing upright on my own…

No I will never be your stepping stone
Take it all or leave me alone
I will never be your stepping stone
I’m standing upright on my own

Never be your stepping stone
Take it all or leave me alone
I will never be your stepping stone
I’m standing upright on my own

***

truth serum

i made an awful decision several years ago in one fateful night when i agreed to go out on a date with my ex as a way of getting back together. we went to the theater after a delicious dinner at our favorite restaurant before going and getting hammered at a nearby wine bar. the beginning of the night started out awkward since we were a bit confused as to why we were out in the first place. we had broken up for a reason, the same reason, just like the many times before. we fight too much and our hearts are always somewhere else.

but, the night was a blast. we had a great conversation during dinner, were arm and arm at the theater, and all laughs at the wine bar. we decided to go back to her place where she wanted to talk more than make-out. i was disappointed since my horns were already sticking out by that time but i played along. she kept pouring me drinks and i got drunker and drunker. when i was completely smashed, she started asking questions, ones that i would never answer if i was in my right mind.

i somewhat remember struggling to get my stories straight but she had me by the balls (literally). one after another, i confessed all my lovers, how often, how deep, and how long, save one. i didn’t want to tell her about you. i remember struggling real hard to not mention your name. why? because all the other girls didn’t matter to her. they all come and go. but you…she would never forgive. it doesn’t matter that we haven’t seen each other for over a year or that you’ve moved on. she knows. so she asked about you.

i pretended to pass out but she was determined. it became apparent to me that the whole night was a set up for that very question: “do you still love her?” i couldn’t avoid it anymore. if we were to get back together, i would need to come clean and tell her all that we’ve gone through since we met. luckily, i really did start passing out, but not until i mentioned that i will always love you. big mistake.

***

omg i’m fucking in love with short blonde girls from wales that sing soul deeply! i first caught duffy a few months ago on The View and thought, “omfg, short blonde girls are hot!” then she started singing this deep soul a la motown and i instantly fell for her. her voice is amazing and her hotness is nothing like lily allen or amy whinehouse. she’s only 23 but her songwriting shows some great maturity and genuine heartbreak that most women her age can’t even fathom. plus, she kinda looks like dolly parton crossed with pamela anderson! yeye!

***

if you have a secret that you’re desperately trying to hide or ever had a momentary lapse of truth about your many infidelities, come to The Beauty Bar on Wednesdays from now on and confess your love for sex in the photobooth.

Secre​t Servi​ce
The sound​track​ to your styli​sh,​ dange​rous,​ myste​rious​,​ and sexy lifes​tyle.​
Wedne​sdays​ – The Beaut​y Bar
10pm-​2am

I LET YOU THINK I’M YOURS WHEN I’M NOT

Lykke Li “Breaking It Up”

If you’re going abroad I can’t help you
If you’re crossing the street I might be there

If you give it a minute it’s wrong
If you give it a minute it’s gone
If we’re just waiting a second too long
Darling I’ll leave and you won’t come along

So give me the reason to stay
Give me the reason to wait
You know I don’t look to get caught
‘Cause darling we’re here but my true love is not

I’m breaking it up, before it’s on
Breaking it up, it’s already gone
Breaking it up, I didn’t mean to fraud
Breaking it up

If you’re going abroad I can’t help you
If you’re crossing the street I might be there

And I call you baby I will and I do
Persuade you in though I know that we’re through
I let you think that I’m yours when I’m not
Keep you here though I’m ready to drop the last line

I’m breaking it up, before it’s on
Breaking it up, it’s already gone
Breaking it up, I didn’t mean to fraud
Breaking it up

If you’re going abroad I can’t help you
If you’re crossing the street I might be there

Breaking it up
Breaking it up

***

deceit

we’re both competing on craigslist trying to sort through the numerous frauds that proliferate the apt/housing and rooms/shared categories by crooks from the other side of the world. there’s this thing called the “419 SCAM” which is a popular method used by clever bastards to get money wired to them by exploiting people’s gullibility through the internet. it got so popular in nigeria that a law was passed specifically for this crime. it’s numbered 419 in the books and that’s how it got the name. but, there are several clever ways that these crooks go about it that it’s actually fascinating to know how other people could fall for it.

basically, all the junk mail you get in your inbox of lottery wins, business propositions in nigeria, or anything to do with someone wanting to give you money if you let them wire thousands to millions of dollars into your account for your stewardship, is a 419. normally, they target people with spam and someone is bound to respond with their information, which could then be used for identity theft and, ultimately, your bank or credit accounts being drained. these scams got so popular that it evolved to even more sly techniques.

besides the typical “online sweetheart” scheme, one of these techniques is to post a phony apartment ad that’s too good to be true. they actually build a relationship with you through email correspondence and the scheme goes something like this:

they are on a christian mission in africa but they own the place. they persist on making sure you are trustworthy and honest because, you know, they are christians on a mission in africa and they want to make sure you are real. they can’t meet with you, nor let you see the place. so, they suggest you take a look at the place from the outside, view the pictures they emailed of the inside, negotiate a lease, then wire the deposit before they send the keys to someone who they want to make sure is legit.

more than likely, someone who gets baited, like a sucker who is looking to relocate to a place from a different city or someone who just started college, will wire the money and never hear from them again.

another story is that a person posed to be the landlord, had a key, had a lease and signed it, took a check, cashed it and disappeared. the guy moved in but two months later, the real tenant showed up. then the real landlord showed up! the guy lost his money AND was put on the street! jeez!

and it gets even better. now, they have legit looking websites for housing and apartments complete with corporate design and “equal opportunity housing” symbols. they ask you to fax your credit report over before they even consider you. most people might do this because they would expect their credit report to eventually be checked anyways. next thing you know, your credit is fucked and you won’t know until you get another credit check report whenever that may be.

so be careful not give up too much information to someone who you meet online, especially if they start getting all sweet with you. even if an apartment for rent is looking real legit, don’t ever provide your credit information to anyone without ever meeting them and looking at the place. in the current economy, we don’t need to have any shadiness in the housing market, but expect more criminal activity and fraudulent claims as unemployment rises and people become more desperate.

***

the whole reason why i went on the 419 rant is because i was, again, disappointed to find out that a place i found that was too good to be true was actually that. i need to move out soon and have been torn between keeping this rent controlled spot in potrero hill but no love, or a small or shared shack and have satanic orgies every saturday before dawn.

it’s really hard to keep a smile on when your roommate is your ex and getting laid for both of you becomes a real hassle. can’t bring anyone home because that would be weird, but can’t stay away either because it becomes an issue. the only thing to do, really, is for someone to give and get out but rent control is so sweet in san francisco. so you end up becoming codependent anyways but without the sex. how frustrating.

i hate break ups.

***

spanish fly

isn’t it amazing how the power of smell can be so intoxicating that you can lose your sense of discretion by a single whiff of perfume and sweat? seduction had taken another level of interest for me. i didn’t realize that love potions do exist (no, not tranquilizers).

“you found my secret.”

***

i was challenged the other night by an attractive woman. she said it’s easier for girls to get laid than guys. so i dared her to seduce me.

if you just broke up with someone or thinking about it but haven’t made up your mind, come to The Beauty Bar on Wednesday night and take the challenge yourself. my friends and i will be hosting the new Wednesday nights there and will do our darnest to keep everything that happens a secret. all discreet encounters will not be photographed, videotaped, or remembered in any way. promise.

Secret Service: the soundtrack to your stylish, dangerous, mysterious, and sexy lifestyle.
Wednesdays – The Beauty Bar
10pm-2am

WON’T LET THEM SEE NOW, HOW THEY HAD WON

Santogold “Lights Out” (New York City)

Lights out, shoot up the station
TV’s dead, where’s there to run
Watch everybody come undone
Lights out, we’ll make it easy, we’ll make it fun
Won’t let them see now, how they had won
Still I’ll wait another round

Darling, don’t got to worry you’re locked in tight
Darling, no need to show you, turn out the light

Wiped out, no concentration
They got us basking in a storm
I watch it as it loses form
Wiped out, they could see me, that’s what I want
A casualty but I am upfront
And I know what it’s about

Darling, don’t got to worry you’re locked in tight
Darling, no need to show you, turn out the light

I’m still here shaking my head
The one you can’t account for
I keep just one step ahead
There’s no place to run

Darling, don’t got to worry you’re locked in tight
Darling, no need to show you, turn out the light

Darling, don’t got to worry you’re locked in tight
Darling, no need to show you, turn out the light

***

i hope everyone is well rested from all the anxiety the elections had caused. we definitely just went through a historic moment in history when something seemingly impossible had happened. i’m not talking about the “first” black president, i’m talking about the record voter turnout. for the first time in our nation’s history, over 80% of eligible voters spoke out to determine the direction of our country by compiling their voice in the ballots.

yes, we did have some defeats, like the gay marriage bans, which indicate to us that the country still needs to understand how we can close the door on discrimination. but, it’s promising to know that it’s just right around the corner for that one. i say it will only take just a little bit more time before the 52% who voted for Prop 8 will realize that they are also gay.

nevertheless, we did have some surprising victories like the passing of the marijuana laws in michigan, making it the 13th state to legalize the herb for medicinal use. that’s a good thing for those suffering with aids and cancer and it lends credibility for upcoming entrepreuners and law enforcement that support laws against non-violent drug offenders.

best of all, we all experienced the overwhelming approval of Barack Obama worldwide and welcomed him as our 6TH african-american president and 1ST openly black president in the history of our nation. yes, we’ve had presidents with black / indian ancestry before but because they could hide it, they did (Thomas Jefferson, Andrew Jackson, Abraham Lincoln, Warren Harding, and Calvin Coolidge – information on this is readily available in your public or college library and the dog gawn internets).

A “Black” Man, A Moor, John Hanson was the First President of the “United States in Congress Assembled-Maryland” which later became the United States of America! 1781-1782 A.D.

what makes obama special is that he represents and embraces his african ancestry that it heralded a new politique which challenged many people to overlook his skin color to determine his ambitions. prevailing, his persona ignited many passions among us all, whether that be of “hope” or “fear.”

nevertheless, it’s not who but how. for those who still remain suspect of his integrity, that is a healthy thing for we all should keep within us the urge to judge him the same as all other presidents before him, white or black, lest we count on him blindly as many did with the failed president of the past 8 years. notwithstanding, our yearn to make things better does not rest all upon the next administration but how we conduct ourselves now that we know we have the power of voice. there are many things to reverse and there is a great deal of work to do. sure, let’s party to celebrate but not to ignore. let daylight be our beacon for change and give our nightlife something to look forward to.

yours truly,

a stranger by the bus stop at the park.